Having emotionally unavailable parents is no less than a curse for many of the children due to several traumatic reasons that remain in memories for a long period of time.
Key Facts
- Emotionally unavailable parents are the ones who are ignorant of the emotions of their children.
- Children often end up being depressed and this trauma stays with them forever.
- Experts give different reasons behind the unavailability of parents to cater to the emotional needs of children. Sometimes, parents themselves have led one such traumatic childhood so they are directing their anger this way on children.
- Parents who are not there for their children make them emotionally weak and dependent on other relations for seeking approval and affection.
The belief
Parents are a blessing. Every individual feels the need to depend on the parents no matter the age. Even at sixty, people still feel the need of being with their parents because parenthood is another name for unconditional love and care.
Also Read: “A Tempting Guide On Parenting 101 in 2022”
Children are sure that no matter how much they progress in life, whenever they are going to fall down amid the race to be the best, their parents are going to be the power who picks them up in their bad and sets them back at their journey with more than ever courage with the help of which they can conquer the whole world.
A fact
The fact is that we all know how much love and care is showered by our parents throughout our lives which makes us dependent on them somewhere in some part of our hearts. This is why we always want to be there with our parents whenever life gives us a setback.
The reason for depending on the parents is nothing else but it’s a natural emotion which makes our bond to the birth givers. This is why children remain dependent on their parents for emotional needs apart from physical needs. Emotional dependence is a natural behavior expected from children of any age toward their parents. However, sometimes parents are not there to wipe our tears or listen to us while we are breaking apart.
Who are emotionally unavailable parents?
Emotionally unavailable parents are the parents who are not there for their children when the emotional need calls for it. These emotions can be either of happiness or of sorrow. Such parents are least concerned about the mental health and the impacts of their absence from their children’s lives and hence are the one who doesn’t pay much heed to the emotional needs even when the child calls for it by themselves.
Why do parents become emotionally unavailable?
This is one such question that gets repeated again and again because a lot of the population wants to know the prime reason for the absence. Well, for those who are stiff confused by the notion of “absence”, I want to clarify that the absence of such parents is of an “emotional” nature, which in other words hints that these parents might be physically present in a child’s life but are still busy in your life a little too much that you are totally unable to see the fears and needs of your own biological child.
There can be a number of reasons behind the emotional unavailability of parents to cater to the needs of children. Sometimes, it’s the work routine while sometimes it’s because of a trauma lying deep in the memory of parents which inhibits them from finding closure within the children. Researchers have given a number of reasons behind this unavailability and lack of understanding. All of them agree on one fact that about 90% of such reported cases are the ones where parents are doing this unintentionally as they are not considering the needs of their children significant enough in their minds which enables them to become ignorant from their activities altogether.
Signs of emotionally unavailable parents
No matter what reason makes parents totally ignorant of their children’s emotional needs, there is always a lot at stake. There are some clear signs which indicate that the child is getting ignored by parents mostly or parents are not considerate towards them. Let’s tell you these few signs which clear out the picture for all.
- They are always “acting” busy.
- They miss out on important dates and events.
- When the children try to talk to them, they are quickly shut down.
- They always criticize their kids or act judgemental towards them.
- They have a strict rule book which is accepted to be obeyed by the children.
- They are always trying to “control” the child a little too much.
- Self-respect and choices of the child don’t count at all for them.
- Acting busy
Today routines have taken a totally new form. They have become a bit too busy. Everyone has started adopting the new standards of life. It is acceptable that today’s life and its rules both are getting difficult for the individual to be followed. This is why it seems an impossible task to make time for the family, but, when you become parents, you have another duty in addition to the 9 to 5 job.
Your presence and efforts to make your children happy count the most. Now one thing I would like to make clear at this very point is that most parents connect happiness with the presence of the latest luxury and everything wanted by their children. Let me clear this false belief out. There is no such thing as materialism that can make an individual happy. You always need to be there for your children when the time calls for it. Many social experts have expressed concern over the negative impacts of this absence on children’s mental health where they are supposed to cater to all of their needs on their own which makes them emotionally weak. When parents don’t find enough time to help in the crisis of children, it also gives rise to many trust issues and children are easier to be exploited by those who are in a chance for doing so.
- Missing out on important dates and events
We all find reasons to be happy. What can be better than finding the sources of innumerable happiness coming up to you. It is said that happiness comes from people who love you. It comes from the family. On all the big days like birthdays, graduation days, and festivities we all find this need of being with our family members because we find safety and power in their presence. This power within us helps us to control the whole world.
Young children are more excited than anyone else. They wait for such events and their family’s attention towards these festivities. However, many parents often miss out on these big days and events because of their own programs or lack of interest. Some parents are strict by nature who don’t like to celebrate such days at all. This is why their attention towards these events is minimal. Well, what seems a minor thing to them eventually turns into a huge emotional turmoil for the children if it gets repeated time and again.
Children start missing out on their parents and if this behavior continues, they eventually stop expecting and immerse their interests in somewhere else where they believe they can easily find solace. This is why we are witnessing a huge trend in parties and clubbing of teenagers where the children find themselves free and independent from all kinds of emotional hurt which they expect to receive from their parents.
- Shutting down children
One of the best therapies in the world is conversation. A good conversation can make many lives and turn someone’s day from good to bad. This is the power a conversation holds.
We humans have this natural habit of sharing our traumas and problems with people whom we feel trusted. Whenever things get hard, even the best of therapists recommend us to talk to those who can feel our pain and this is the prime reason that we are able to continue with our lives.
Talking to others about fears and emotions makes an individual feel less pressured and this is a big reason that children feel this natural need greater than anyone else. We all know that children are at such a stage of their lives where even the impact of a little thing might become stronger if it’s not tackled smoothly.
This is why many children often need their parents to be there for them. However, those parents who have their own history of trauma are the ones who do not feel the need for a sound conversation. They are mostly the ones who tend to ignore the basic needs of their children and hence even if their children want to talk to them, they are shut off immediately. Shushing them to silence leaves a vacant space in the personality of the child and this remains dominant throughout his life.
- Acting judgemental towards children
It is considered that the judgemental attitude is the worst type of attitude one can depict towards another. The biggest problem is that our whole society is highly judgemental. All the comparisons and judgments deduced by people create complexities in our personalities because we become highly conscious of ourselves.
Experts warn parents to use a judgemental tone against their children since it brings many negative traits to their character and can fill them with a sense of hatred. Parents who don’t understand the emotional needs are mostly the ones doing the wrong kind of comparisons of their kids with others. They often put excessive peer pressure and force them to be the “perfect” person they want to see.
This creates a sense of hatred in the mind of a child who starts abhorring something which the parents consider perfect. This creates a kind of tussle between the children and parents where the decision of one direction becomes extremely difficult.
- Giving a strict rule book
Look around yourselves, you will be shocked to find that there are very few people who love excess rules and have no problem at all when the conversation is about following them. This is the most natural kind of behavior expected from a grown-up man.
We all know that we hate rules and want to do something at our own ease. However, our position becomes more of a hypocrite when we start giving up more and more rules to the children in the name of discipline. It is absolute nonsense to blame disciplinary habits and burden the children for that cause.
Parents who have this habit of giving a lot of rules to their children are very wrong in their assumption that they are taking the children into “civilized individuals”. It is a common belief that when you put a number of rules on children, the children take them aggressively and start rebelling against these rules one after the other.
They no longer feel obliged to follow the rules because in their opinion this rule book has a negative connotation and denying every rule gives them a sense of satisfaction which they cannot achieve otherwise.
- Controlling attitude
If you observe children, you will notice that they are always against control. Many experts believe that children perform well in environments where they are given the freedom to chase their dreams. Because of the possible fear of the future, many parents have adopted this habit of taking their children’s decisions.
The logic by them seems to justify as they believe that due to lack of experience, children are unable to look for their good or bad. Therefore, they have to observe and choose what is “best” for their child. However, in choosing the best for the children, they often start becoming too controlling in nature and this makes children disobedient.
They openly start negating this control and a sense of hatred is developed in children where a sort of distance is created between children and their parents. A controlling attitude also brings a traumatic impact on the children as they get enough of this controlling attitude.
- No significance was given to choices of children
Parents always want the best for children. They want to give every possible luxury they can just to make them happy but more than this counts their interest toward the likeness of their children. Emotionally unavailable parents are highly ignorant of the choices made by their children.
For them, these choices have no value at all because they consider it a waste of time and attention. Hence, they are the ones deciding things for their children. In association with this, whenever children start reacting against their choices, they depict more of a narcissist attitude and start blaming the children without caring about their self-respect.
For them, what matters is their own ego and their own choices which are ever-growing with time plus their expectations grow without taking into account the reaction of children.
Conclusion
Emotionally unavailable parents start swallowing up the inner satisfaction and happiness of their children. Because of their own experiences and routines, they are least concerned about the choices and opinions of their children.
For them, the fragility of the emotions of their children doesn’t count at all because for them they are the “know-all beings”. In their pride for being perfect, they ultimately kill up the emotions of their children where they grow up even before adulthood.
